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I feel a bit on the edge tonight, it’s the first time I’ve had space to breathe in weeks- or at least it feels like weeks. I’m a bit torn up inside, because, contrary to what I’ve been demonstrating on the outside, things just aren’t sitting right with me. You came home… not because I invited you, but because someone on your side of the fence made me feel guilty about keeping you out. Despite my trepidation, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you-maybe I have my own addiction.

You came home as a model partner, regardless of the fact that you were rubbed raw yourself. Prepared to tow the line, and not for me, but for you this time. You invited me to your meetings and I met your counselor. You are taking the right steps… I got flowers at work yesterday and it was lovely… but tonight I just don’t feel lovely. I feel… tortured? Torn? I want to feel good about you, about us. I love you, without a doubt, I just think that these last two months have perhaps left bigger scars than I realized. 

I talked to an old friend tonight. There’s just something warm and fuzzy about connecting with some one that has known you since before forever. It makes you really look at your life; where you’ve been, where you’re going. And it made me scared. I’m scared I’m never going to be happy, scared that I’m always going to have to be the strong one. Maybe I’m just broken now.

When do I get to be weak? When do I get to lose it a little, go a little crazy? I feel on the edge tonight, I feel like maybe it’s my turn to make a mistake, or be reckless. 

J

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